Two TARD’s fans went hunting moose on a Canadian island. When they landed on the island in an airplane, the pilot told them, "Now I know that both of you have tags, but between the both of you, you can only shoot one moose, OK? That's all that will fit on the plane"
The two TARD’s fans said OK and the pilot said "See you in a week" and took off. The pilot came back a week later and sure enough, the two men had two moose.
The pilot jumped out of the plane, walked towards the men and said, "What the hell are you doing? I specifically told you ONE moose! How the hell are we going to get rid of this thing? We'll never get off the ground!" The two men replied "We did last year." The pilot said, "That was a different plane." "No, sir. It was exactly like yours." "Really? Well, then what are we waiting for lets get them in their and get out of here!" They get the
moose on the plane, take off only to crash 10 seconds later. There was moose parts everywhere and the pilot was killed. One TARD’s fan says, "Dude, where are we?"
The other TARD’s fan thinks for a while then says, "I think about a hundred
yards further than last year!"
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A - What's the difference between a Loserville grad and a large deluxe pizza?
Q - The pizza can feed a family of four.
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This TARD’s fan goes into a bar looking real depressed, and orders a drink. As soon as it hits the bar, the man shoots it down and orders another. The sympathetic bartender asks, "Any thing you want to talk about?" The depressed TARD’s fan replies "Well for the last couple months, I suspected my wife, a former TARD's cheerleader, was cheating on me. So today, I took the day off work to follow her. When I came home for lunch, I caught her screwing my best friend." "Wow" replied the bartender, "If you don't mind me asking, what do you say to your best friend in that situation?" The man replied, "Well I looked him right in the eye, and I yelled, BAD DOG!!!"

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A LoseRvillE TARD’s student takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a BJ?"
"What? You're crazy!"
"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night? No one will show up..."
"I've already said No, and NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small BJ...I know you'd like it, too..."
"No! I've said NO!"
"My love... Don't be like that..."
At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a BJ himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

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Rick Prictino went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Rick said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen."
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A 13 year old kid comes home from school one day and walks up to his dad. "Dad, I have to tell the class tomorrow what the difference is between potential and reality. Can you help me?"
"Well son, I won't give you the answer but I'll help you out. Go ask you mom, a former LoseRvillE TARD’s cheerleader, if she'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million bucks, then go ask your sister and brother, LoseRvillE TARD’s students, the same question." So the son shrugs and heads in to the kitchen.
"Hey mom...would you sleep with Brad Pit for a million bucks?" His mom looks around to make sure her husband isn't around. "Yes, I think I would." He writes down her comments in his little book and takes off to his sisters room.
Once he gets there, he bangs on the door.. and asks her the same question. "Oh my god...YES YES YES...blah blah blah...." she says. So, he shuts the door, writes in his book, and takes off down stairs to his brothers room and bangs on the door. He asks him the same thing.
"For a million bucks? What the hell, sure." he answers. The kid stares at his brother and takes off to the living room and thinks about things for an hour. Finally, things click.....
"Dad, I figured out the difference between potential and reality."
"What did you learn son?"
"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million bucks, but in reality,
we're living with two sluts and a butt-pirate!"
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A cruise ship wrecked in the middle of the ocean and the only survivors were Rick Prictino, his dog and a sheep. The three of them washed up on a deserted island, and after that, every day was pretty much routine, and every night they watched the sun go down by the beach. It was a beautiful sunset every single night. One night Rick started getting these strange yearnings, so he looked over at the sheep and began to whisper into its ear when all at once his dog started growling at him. Rick backed off, and from then on he kept his distance from the sheep. One day there was a ship on the horizon, and it wrecked just like the previous one had. Later that day, Rick found on the beach, this beautiful blond with long legs, and a gorgeous figure passed out in the sand. Rick nursed her back to health, and after awhile she started doing the daily routine with Rick, his dog and the sheep. One night they were watching the sun go down, (a beautiful sunset) when Rick started getting those yearnings again. He looked over at the beautiful blond with the long legs, bent over and whispered in her ear, do you mind taking my dog for a walk?

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Two TARD’s players were walking across their college campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second TARD’s player replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The first player nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous TARD’s fan told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the TARD’s fan replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?
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A Louisville player goes to his doctor but he finds out some terrible news. The doctor tells him that he only has six months to live. "Oh my god," says the player, "isn't there anything I can do?"
"Well," says the doctor, "there is one thing. You could take a mud bath every day."
"Really? And that will cure me?" asked the player.
The doctor looked at him and replied, "No, but it will get you used to the dirt."
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Two guys, one a UK fan and the other a Louisville fan, walk up to a wishing well. The UK guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
The Louisville fan decides to make a wish, too, but he leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The UK guy says, "Wow, it really works."
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A Louisville fan walks into a library, goes up to the librarian, and says, "I'll have a Big Mac, a large fry, and a Diet Coke."
Puzzled, the librarian tells him, "I'm sorry, mister, this is a library."
So the Louisville fan says (whispering), "Oh, I'm so sorry... I'll have a Big Mac, a large fry, and Diet Coke."
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This Loserville Tard fan decides to scope some babes at the pool. When he arrives he can't believe his eyes when he sees a bunch of bikini clad babes hovering around this old geezer. He gets no action all day so he decides to follow the old man into the bathroom to find out his secret. The old man tells him that he is not rich, he just has a few tricks of the trade that enhance his babe magnetivity. "First off" said the old man "You have to get some Speedo trunks..Oh and use plenty of body oil". So the TARD took his advice and purchased some Speedos and some oil. The next day...same result, no babes. The old man had them all. He again followed the old man into the bathroom and begged for more secrets. The old man said "I have never told anyone this...you need to buy a potato and stuff it down your trunks". The TARD took off and ran to the produce store ,bought a potato and put it inside his trunks. He returned to the pool and started prancing around to show off his buldge. People around the pool burst into laughter. Embarrassed the TARD exited to the bathroom. The old man quickly followed laughing hysterically and said "hey you dumbassed TARD...try putting the potato in the front next time!"

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Q. What is a U of L martini?
A. A beer with a booger in it!
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Q: Why is it good to have a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan as a passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
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Did you hear that Denny Crum called the team together after his last season and asked them to be pallbearers when he died?
Yeah, he wanted them to let him down one last time.
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Q: Did you hear about the Cards who was so big when he died that they couldn't find      a coffin big enough to hold the body?

A: They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box!
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Bucky and Colby, two huge LoseRvillE TARD’s fans, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life
and thought they should go to Loserville to get ahead.
Bucky goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math,
history, and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bucky.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example.
Do you own a weed-eater?"
"I sure do," answered the TARD.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.
"That's real good," the TARD responded in awe.
The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also have a house."
Impressed, the TARD shouted, "AMAZIN'!!!!!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"JoAnn! This is incredible!" (Bucky is obviously catching on.)
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bucky, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Colby is still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history, and logic," replies Bucky.
"What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
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Q: What's a Louisville cheerleader’s favorite nursery rhyme?

A: Humpme Dumpme.
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Q: How do you make a TARDS fan’s eyes light up?

A: Shine a flashlight in their ear
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The UofL fan calls her UK fan neighbor and says "Please come over here and help me, I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
The neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it is finished?"
The Card fan replies, "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a roster."
The neighbor comes over to help with the puzzle. The Card fan lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread out over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we are never going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, Let's have a cup of coffee, then".....he sighed,
"Then we can put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
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A local UK fan living in Louisville walks into the TARDinal Inn to get a drink and mess with the Tard fans. He orders up a beer and the bartender noticing his UK cap says "We don't get many UK fans in here". The UK fan replies "That's because the TARDS suck! UK fans can top a TARD anytime...Why I'll bet you $50 I can bite my ears"
The bartender laughed and said "You're on". The UK fan proceeded to remove his false teeth and "bite his ears". Dumbfounded the bartender paid up. The UK fan sat and drank for about an hour while he watched the bartender slide mug after mug down the bar. You see the Tard fans were drinking heavily after the St. Louis loss. The UK fan spoke up and said "Bartender, you suck...why I bet you $100 I can stand on the barstool and as you slide mugs down the bar...I'll piss in every one without spilling a drop." Everyone in the bar pushed the bartender to defend the honor of the Tards and take him up on it...so he did. As the bartender slid the mugs the UK fan missed every one and pissed all over his bar. The bartender, knowing that he had just doubled his money laughed with joy. The UK fan with a smile on his face paid the bartender the $100. The bartender said "man for someone who just lost $100 you look pretty happy. " The UK fan said "You see Rick Pitino down at the end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could come in here and piss all over your bar and you would do nothing but laugh."

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Q: Why don't Loserville cheerleaders eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
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Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans on the Loserville campus?
Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.
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Q.) How do you kill a Tards fan?
A.) Put a scratch-and-sniff tab on the bottom of the pool!
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A Loserville TARD and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells
them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.
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Two TARD fans are bungee jumping one day. The first Tard says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee jumping service in Mexico."
The second Tard thinks this is a great idea, so the two of them pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
The first Tard jumps to test the equipment. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second Tard notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second Tard isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second Tard misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back and he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second Tard finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first Tard says, "No, the cord was fine. Hey, what the heck is a 'piñata'?"
**********************************************************

Q. How do you separate the men from the boys at Loserville?

A. With a crowbar!
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Q. What's the difference between a Louisville alum and a UT alum?
A. The UT alum raises livestock. The Louisville alum gets emotionally involved.
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Four college alumni were climbing a mountain one day: a UK grad, a Duke grad, a UNC grad, and a Tard. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally as they reached the top, the UNC grad hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for the Tar Heels!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the Duke grad threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Blue Devils!" Seeing this the UK grad walked over and shouted "This is for the 'Cats!" and pushed the Tard off the side of the mountain! 

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Q: Why don't Tards let their kids play in sandboxes?

A: Because stray cats will come around and cover 'em up!