The Jokes pg. 1

An Indiana Hoosiers fan, a Duke Blue Devils fan and a Kentucky Wildcats fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Hoosier fan was first in line, so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Hoosier fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.

The Blue Devils fan was next up, and after watching the scene, said, "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Duke fan out crying like a little girl.

The Wildcat fan was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your alumni are some of the best and most loyal basketball fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness", the Wildcat fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome, and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Duke fan to my back."

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The local phone company was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of USmell former players and a team of WKU grads.

So the boss said to both teams, "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road. The team that installs the most poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of shift, the WKU guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed and they said they'd put 12 in. 45 minutes later, the USmellers came back in and they were dragging. The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those guys put 12 in!"

"Yeah," said the USmell leader, "But you should see how much they left sticking

out!"

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A USmell player goes to the doctor, and says to him, "Doctor, I'm hurting all over my body."

"That's odd," replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean."

So the player takes his finger and pokes his elbow, and screams in pain. He touches his knee and cries in agony. and so on.

The doctor says to him "You're a USmell basketball player, aren't you
"Yes, how did you know ?" He replies.

"An educated guess.... your finger is broken."

A USmeller was on vacation in Louisiana. He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, he shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the USmeller turned and headed for the bayous, set on catching himself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the USmeller standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward him. He takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank.

Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the USmeller flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come a large group of exuberant USmellers. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Another USmeller comes in with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the USmellers, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The USMELLER who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that USmellers are dumb and they make fun of us, So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

Two former USmeller players decided to rob a bank together.

The first USmeller, Emanuel plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second USmeller, Keith, in great detail. The robbery begins. Emanuel drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Keith, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," said Keith.

Keith goes in the bank while Emanuel waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . .

Two minutes pass . . .

Seven minutes pass . . . and Emanuel is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Keith. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon. As the USmellers are getting away, Emanuel says "You are such an idiot ! I thought you understood the plan!"

Keith said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," said Emanuel. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

Q: How do you get a USMELLER cheerleader to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"

An UK fan is having breakfast one morning -- coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam, when a USMELL fan, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The UK fan, ignores the USMELL fan who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. USMELL Fan: "You UK folks eat the whole bread?"

UK Fan: "Of course."

USMELL Fan: (After blowing a big bubble with his gum) "We don't. In Loserville, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Lexington."

The USMELL Fan has a smirk on his face. The UK Fan listens. The USMELL Fan persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread?"

UK Fan: "Of course"

USMELL Fan: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) "We don't. In Loserville, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the seeds, peels and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jelly and sell it to Lexington."

The UK Fan then asks: "Do you have sex in Loserville?"

USMELL Fan: "Why of course we do," he says with a big smirk.

UK Fan: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

USMELL Fan: "We throw them away of course."

UK Fan: "We don't. In Lexington, we put them into a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Loserville."

What would you call a former USmeller ballplayer who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless.

You have to be a Loserville fan if...

Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.
Your wife's hair attracts bees.
Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."
Your mom's ever been arrested for poaching.
Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."
Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.
Your grandmother has ever been evicted from a bingo game for foul language.
You can belch most of the popular Christmas carols.
You get Odor Eaters for Christmas.
You've got "ammo" on Your Christmas list under the word "Mom."
You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You've got a room temperature IQ.
You've got a trash bag as a passenger side window.
Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.
You've ever rolled Your riding lawn mower.
You've ever left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.
Santa won't let your kids sit on his lap.
You think the "5 to 10 pounds" on the diaper box refers to how much the diaper will hold.
You ever asked the widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.

Two USmellers were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One USmeller said that they were deer tracks. The other USmeller said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

Q: How do USmeller brain cells die ?
A: Alone.

A USmeller was driving home one night when he suddenly found himself in the middle of a bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls and his car was dented up really bad. The next day he brings it to a repair shop to have the dents looked at.

The repair guy, noticing that he is USmeller and quite stupid when he speaks, decides to have some fun and tells him to blow into the tail pipe of the car really hard when he gets home, and that doing this will cause all of the dents to pop out.

When he gets home he starts blowing into the tail pipe as hard as he can, over and over. Just then his best friend, who also is a USmeller, shows up. His friend sees him blowing into the tail pipe and is quite startled by the action. He blurts out all flippantly, "What are you doing!?"

He tells her the repair guy told him to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.

His friend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"

Three USmellers are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know how to get across.
The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a EKU fan and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a WKU fan and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a Cat fan and he walks across the bridge.

Even blondes are smarter than USmellers:

A USMELLER pestering the blonde next to him on an airplane...

The USMELLER persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The USMELLER, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!", figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The USMELLER asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the USMELLER.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the USMELLER: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The USMELLER looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The USMELLER, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the USMELLER $5,and goes back to sleep.

A USMELLER goes into work one morning crying his eyes out. His boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the USMELLER replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the USMELLER, "Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The USMELLER very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the USMELLER to work as usual, "If you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the USMELLER. He looks out over his office and sees the USMELLER hysterically crying.

He rushes out to him asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going be OK?"

"No!" exclaims the USMELLER. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"

A USMELLER cheerleader went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed, "But I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

Yes, yes, anything," the USMELLER promised.

Well, then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The USMELLER cheerleader did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door", the man said.

She did.

He then said, "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

Now go ahead ... take it out." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused... The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead.

The cheerleader slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said. "Hello, Mom can you hear me?"

The Ula-Smell Basketball team went to the team Doctor for their physicals. The doctor stated, "I need a Urine, Semen, and Fecal sample." The players all stood around in a daze and gave Pitino an inquiring dumbfounded look. Pitino said, "Guys, He wants you to give him your Underwear."

Bob and Jimmy were really good friends. One day Bob calls Jimmy. The conversation goes something like this.
Bob: Hey Jimmy, I think I met the girl I'm gonna marry.
Jimmy: That's great man.
Bob: There is one thing I'm worried about though....
Jimmy: What's that?
Bob: Well I told her about my dad.
Jimmy: You mean that he is in jail for murder?
Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her so I told her about my mom.
Jimmy: You mean that she's been caught stealing so many times?
Bob: Yeah, that didn't bother her either so I told her about my brother.
Jimmy: You mean that he's wanted in four states for car theft?
Bob: Yeah that didn't bother her either.
Jimmy: So what's the problem man. She seems great.
Bob: Well, I haven't told her about my sister.
Jimmy: Dude, I didn't even know you had a sister.
Bob: Yeah, we don't talk about her. She's a real embarrassment to the family. She went to Loserville.

Two brothers, one a USMELL graduate and one a UK graduate, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The UK graduate balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, he tells his brother, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The UK grad arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he does want to buy it. The man tells him that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news.

He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help him, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the UK grad only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word. After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, 'comfortable'?"

The UK grad explains, "My brother graduated from Loserville."

"He'll read it very slow."

A Loserville basketball player reported for his university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then in a fit of inspiration reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. He starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Loserville fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Loserville fans also.

Not really knowing what a Loserville fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air.

There is, however, one exception. Joe has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks him why he has decided to be different.

"Because I am not a Loserville fan"

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?

"Why I'm a proud UK fan," boasts Joe.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Joe why he is a UK fan

"Well, my mom and dad are UK fans, so I'm a UK fan also."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Joe, "I'd be a Loserville fan."

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth, and it is going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth. "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. The Middle East over there is going to be a hot spot." God continued, pointing to different lands, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a unique landmass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Kentucky, the most glorious place on earth. It will have beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and fertile farmland. The people from Kentucky are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous. They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving. I'm also going to give them an incredible Basketball team that will be admired and feared by all who come across it."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about the balance, God. You said that there will be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the loudmouth, arrogant bastards I'm putting in Loserville."

You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in a Loserville hat. You have gun with only two bullets remaining.
Who do you shoot?

The Loserville fan... twice.

Three Basketball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the UK fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The WKU fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Loserville fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the UK cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the WKU cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Loserville cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Loserville fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?" "Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised; normally when I look under a Loserville hat, I find an As*Ho*e

A die-hard Loserville fan and a die-hard UK fan are waiting to be executed. The executioner asks the Loserville fan for his last request. “Hmmm”, he says, then requests to hear the Loserville fight song one last time. "OK," says the executioner and turns to the UK fan and asks the same question, "What is your last request?" Without hesitation the UK fan says, "Shoot me first."

Two boys are playing football in a park in Lexington when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Wildcats' Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I not a Wildcats' fan" the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Lexington I just assumed you were. What team do you root for?" asked the reporter.

"I'm a Loserville Cardinals' fan," the child replied.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,” LITTLE REDNECK BASTARD KILLS BELOVED FAMILY PET"

A Kentucky tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop, where the owner says to him "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story!"

"No," replies the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze Cardinal."

After Denny Crum dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Denny a little two-bedroom house with a faded Loserville banner hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.

Denny looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It is a huge three-story brick mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. UK flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge "Go Big Blue" banner hangs between the marble columns while the On On UofK
song blares from hidden speakers.
"Thank you for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner, and Adolph Rupp gets a mansion with new UK banners and flags flying all over the place." "Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment.

"That's not Adolph's house," God says. "That's mine."

A Lexington area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body. He rolled it over and to his amazement there was a cork in its butt. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard, the Loserville fight song come out the guys butt. Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor.
"Sir, you've got to come down and help me, I've just seen something I can't believe."

Annoyed by the naiveté of his assistant, he said OK and followed him downstairs. "There, look at the cork in the Butt of that body, I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Then the Loserville fight song started playing. Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said:

"What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of as*ho*es sing that song."

Loserville Entrance Exam - Basketball Player Version
Time Limit: 3 WKS

1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners

9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

At their annual meeting before the beginning of the season, several Division I basketball coaches decided on having golden phones installed in all their respective offices. One day, a recruit named Joe walked into Coach Donovan's office and saw his golden phone sitting there. "Wow" Joe exclaimed, "What's that?" Billy responded, "Well, my son, that there is a golden phone. Its a direct line to Heaven." "Wow, that's pretty neat," Joe responded, "Do you think I could make a phone call on that phone?" "Well, It's gonna cost you about $100. And the check needs to be payable to the University of Florida Probation Fund," said Donovan. "That's a lot of money, I don't think it would be worth it to spend that much money. Thanks though." Joe replied as he walked out of Coach Donovan's office.

A few weeks later, Joe took a campus visit to Loserville and went to Ricky Pee's office. Again, he noticed the golden phone sitting on the coach's desk. "What exactly is that phone for, Coach Pee?" he asked. "Well, son, that there is a direct line to heaven," Pee replied. That's pretty neat," Joe replied, "Do you think I could make a phone call on that phone? "Well sure, but its gonna cost you about $50 payable to the Ricky Pee/Denny DaCrum/John L. Honorarium Fund." replied the coach. "Oh, never mind then." Joe shook his head. "I don't have that kind of money. Thanks though." And Joe walked out of the office.

The next weekend, Joe visited Lexington, KY , home of the Wildcats. Being as he was a recruit, the first place he was directed was Coach Smith's office. Again, he saw the golden phone sitting there and asked if it was the golden phone to heaven. Coach Smith nodded, and Joe asked if he could make a call on it. Tubby replied, "Well, sure you can, but it will cost you a quarter. Upon hearing this Joe's eyes got real big and said, "Really? Then why did Coach Donovan and Coach Pee tell me it would cost so much more? Coach looked up from behind his desk and smiled, saying, "Because, my boy, here in Lexington, it's a local call!"

Top 10 Classes at Loserville.

10) Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F" ?

9) Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States

Sandwich Making: A Project Course

7) Hand-Shadow Workshop

6) Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend

5) Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics

4) Hydraulic Principles of the Keg

3) The College Classroom: A Simulation

2) ABC's: An Extended Version

1) Your Butt from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE SKELETON THEY JUST FOUND AT UlaSmell?

HE WAS THE 1938 HIDE & SEEK CHAMP!

Tubby was presented a new Cadillac by the boosters at UK. The Cadillac dealer told him it was a new model, one with a voice-activated radio. "All you have to do is tell the radio what type of music you want and the radio automatically tunes to that type of station." Well, Tubby was quite impressed and he drove off the lot with his new Caddy. As he's driving down the street, he decides to check out the fancy radio. "Classical" he says - and the radio tunes to a classical station. "Country" he says - and the radio tunes to a country station. "Classic rock" he says - and the radio tunes to a classic rock station. All of a sudden, another car runs a stop sign and almost hits Tubby's new car. "You Dumb Ass" he says - and the radio tunes to the Ricky Pee Show.

Q: How can you tell if a Loserville fan is married?
A: There is dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

How many college students does it take to change a light bulb in the South?

At Vanderbilt it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.

At Georgia it takes three. One to change the bulb and two to phone a friend at Georgia Tech to get instructions.

At Florida it takes four. One to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.

At Alabama it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Bear would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Auburn students.

At Ole Miss it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.

At LSU it takes seven. And each one gets credit for four semester hours for it.

At Kentucky it takes eight. One to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At Tennessee it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how Phillip Fulmer is too stupid to do it.

At Mississippi State it takes fifteen. One to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to shout, "GO TO HELL OLE MISS. GO TO HELL!!!"

At Auburn it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Bama, and 50 who realize it's all a lie.

At South Carolina it takes 80,000. One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year they have a good football team.

At Arkansas it takes none. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

Two Loserville Basketball Players were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their KIA with a coat hanger. The first said "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" The second replied, "Well, you'd better hurry up, its starting to rain and the top is down!"

The Loserville Basketball team was placed in an English for non-majors class. The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?"

All the players raised their hands. "The appeal," they shouted with pride.

What did the UK grad say to the Loserville grad?
Will the defendant please rise.

What's the best thing to come out of Loserville?
I-64

What is the difference between Loserville women and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out sometimes

How do you get to Loserville from Lexington?
Go North until you smell it.

A happy ending:

During a rock climbing expedition, an accident occurred, as some of the grappling hooks gave way. This left the eleven climbers clinging precariously to the wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on the Mountain. Ten were USmellers , one was a UK Grad. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the weight on the rope would cause more of the hooks to give way and everyone would perish. For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the UK Grad gave a truly touching speech saying he would sacrifice himself to save the lives of the others. All ten USMELLERS applauded.

A USmeller buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to lottery headquarters to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The USmeller says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sorry Sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The USmeller said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The USmeller, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

There is a USMELLER that is trying to find a job and he went into a job service to look for one. They said that they had a job opening for painting rural roads lines. The next day he got a call and the guy asked if he could start the job today. He went to work and when he got there the boss was telling him that you need to paint at least 2 miles. So he went out and started painting lines on the road.

When he finished for the day he went back to the guy to see how well he had done. The guy said "good, you painted 4 miles". The next day he came to work and started painting and finished the day and went to see how well he had done. The guy said "your ok but you only painted 2 miles today do better tomorrow". The next day he came to work and he finished the day and he went to talk to the guy and he asked him why he only painted 1 mile today. He said "Well everyday I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket."

A USMELLER is speaking to his psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

USMELLER: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

USMELLER: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

USMELLER: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

A USMELLER had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when he cut off a truck driver. He motioned for him to pull over. When he did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the USMELLER to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to his car and cut up his leather seats.

When he turned around he had a slight grin on his face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this." He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in his car. When he turns and looks at him he has a smile on his face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all his tires. Now he's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on his car and sets it on fire. He turns around and he is laughing so hard he is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the USMELLER.

He replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

Mahvin Stoned reported to DICK'S mouthpiece Rick Piturncoat's office terribly overweight, so PEE put him on a diet.

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

"The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When MAHVIN returned, he shocked PEE. He had lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that’s amazing!" PEE said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

MAHVIN nodded. "Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked PEE."

"No, from all that skipping!"

A USMELL Cheerleader named Cindy decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no prior lessons or experience.

Cindy mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Cindy begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, Cindy grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly unaffected by its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves. Her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when.........

...... the supermarket manager runs out and shuts the horse off."

Most Popular sign at The USMELL campus"

"Please don't eat the Big White Mint "
*******************************************************************

What sexual position produces the ugliest, stupidest children?

Ask any USMELLERS mom.

A man walked into a bar and ordered a beer just as Reek Piturncoat appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mahvin Stoned appeared on the television. "He's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Loserville country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the record books the fist one says "I have pretty short arms", so he goes and succeeds. The second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes and succeeds. The third one says "I have a very small penis," and when he comes back he says "Who the hell is Ricky Pee?"

Pitino was hunting ducks in Western Kentucky. He shot one down and it landed about 20 feet beyond a barbed wire fence. Rick looked around and saw no one so he started to climb the fence. Suddenly appearing out of nowhere a farmer showed up and asked, "Just where do you think you are going?" Pitino answered, "I am retrieving my duck that I shot." The farmer replied "You mean that duck on my property?...that makes it MY duck." Rick got mad and stormed "Look old timer, If you don't let me get my duck My team of Loserville Lawyers will sue you and I'll own this stinking farm." The farmer said "why don't we settle it with the West KY 3 kick rule?" Pitino asked "What kind of rule is that?" "That's where we take turns kicking each other 3 times until the other gives up" replied the farmer. Pitino agreed, and since the farmer looked old and weak he agreed to let him go first. The farmer 1st kicked Rick in the groin...he doubled over. Then he kicked him in the mouth...Rick spit out blood and two teeth. He then Kicked Rick in the butt. Rick threw up from the pain but knew vengeance would soon be his. He said "not bad for an old man, It will get me a trip to the hospital but not before I kick the crap out of you." The farmer grinned and said "OK, you win I give up. You can go get your duck."

There was an Wildcat, a Hilltopper, and a USMELL dead bird. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go. The Wildcat went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go. The Hilltopper went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go. The USmell dead bird went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in it will work better."

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"

Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"

And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be Rick Pitino."

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. 'Tim, you be first,' she said. 'What does your mother do all day?'
Tim stood up and proudly said, 'She's a doctor.'

'That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?' Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, 'My father is a mailman.'

'Thank you, Amie,' said the teacher. 'What about your father, Billy?'

Billy proudly stood up and announced, 'My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.'

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, 'I'm actually a USMELL Professor. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven- year-old?

A Loserville Fan walks into a bar and drinks about twelve beers, then notices a huge jar of cash on the table. He asks the bartender what the cash is for. The bartender says it's the $2000.00 prize money for whomever can complete his Three Challenges, so the Loserville Fan asks what the challenges are. The bartender gives him another beer and says, "First you have to knock out Candy," and points to a 300-pound former football player. "Then you have to pull my pet man-eating wolf's loose tooth out," the bartender continues, and he points to a room with a vicious wolf inside. "And finally you have to screw Big Bertha," and he points to a 500-pound woman.

The Loserville fan has yet another drink and says, "I'll do it!" So he goes up to Candy and knocks him out in one hit! Then he goes into the room with the wolf and shuts the door. Everyone in the bar can hear the wolf howling as if in agony. The man then walks out of the room without a scratch on him and says, "Okay! Now where's that lady with the loose tooth again?"

A Loserville fan stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful, so he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served that fella over there?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning--A delicacy!"

The Loserville fan , though momentarily taken aback, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day, because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the Loserville fan returned and placed his order; then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After taking a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they're much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday! Why is that?"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor, sometimes the bull wins."

A few months ago there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and JoAnn Pitino, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "Your definitely not the right man for the job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to JoAnn Pitino to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband Rick sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

JoAnn took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all was quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood JoAnn. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat Rick to death with a chair!"

How did the Loserville fan find his sister in the woods?

Pretty hot!

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for Denny Crum and Rick Pitino
, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived,
they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher
held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and
stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both Denny and Rick were
touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him
during his final moment. But they were also puzzled; the preacher had
never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.

They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed
and covetousness that made them squirm ! in their seats. Finally, Rick
said, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come."

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus
died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go too."

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass... You might be a Loserville fan.

If the diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute"... You might be a Loserville fan.

If you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance...You might be a Loserville fan.

If your dog can't watch you eat without gagging...You might be a Loserville Fan

If you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off...You might be a Loserville fan.

One afternoon, a UK Grad was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two Loserville grads eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one Loserville grad. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the UK grad from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other Loserville grad. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the Loserville grads expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The UK grad replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

A little kid walks into a UlaSmell bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a Loserville fan!''

What is the difference between Loserville's head coach's office and a porcupine?

The porcupine's pricks are on the outside

How do you get a Loserville girl into an elevator?

Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

Busted:
A JoAnn Pitino goes to a pet store, and sees a beautiful parrot with a sign that says: "Talking parrot, $20." She asks the owner why such an exotic animal is only $20. The owner says, "Well, the parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and I'm not sure what sort of things he might say." JoAnn buys the parrot thinking it is worth the risk. She takes the parrot home, sets up his cage, and the parrot looks around and says, "New house, new madam." JoAnn laughs, then her friend comes over. The parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl." The lady explains the story to her friend and they both laugh. Rick comes home, and the parrot says, "New house, new madam, new girl, hello Rick."

How do you know when you're staying in a Loserville hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the front desk replies, "Go ahead."

If your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."...You might be a Loserville fan

Traitor Rick takes his wife JoAnn to play her first game of
golf. Of course, she promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. Traitor Rick cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So they walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that
was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A old man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the
people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," Traitor Rick
replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" Rick said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like to win the next 10 national titles at the University of Loserville."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you 5 NBA titles after that! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants, in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the Rick And JoAnn asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and
haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."
Rick looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have what we've always wanted. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You
know, you're right. Considering our good fortune,
I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you, sweetheart," said Traitor Rick.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and JoAnn went upstairs where they
spent the rest of the afternoon. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours, the genie
rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and
asked "How OLD are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 50," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding! Fifty years old, and both of you still believe in genies?..."

Two Loserville fans suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained bird dog, and got one.
The two Losers immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the Losers said to her companion, "Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!"

JoAnn Pitino went into a store to buy Rick a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give great pleasures!" "Great pleasures?!" JoAnn replied.

"It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

JoAnn thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more "great pleasures" for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to Rick, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off.

She went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find Rick and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

Rick replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone!"

A life-long Loserville fan, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought.
Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."

The Loserville chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The Loserville farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."

Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The Loserville farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."

Astounded, the neighbor asked, "What did you do to them? What went wrong?" Well, says the Loserville farmer, "I'm not sure. But I think I'm not planting them far enough apart."

The Loserville Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed the Gorilla had a fondness for a Rick Pitino poster that had been donated to line the bottom of her cage. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Rick was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $50,000? Rick showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Rick announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her." "Secondly, you must never till anyone abut this." The Zoo
administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. "Well," said Rick, "You gotta give me a couple of days to come up with the money."

Three Loserville fans are sitting on a porch in the trailer park shootin' the breeze.
1st Loserville fan: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"

2nd Loserville fan: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Loserville fan: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Loserville fan: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Loserville fan: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Loserville fan: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Loserville fan: "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Loserville fans: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Loserville fan: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

Who knew it? Tonto graduated from Loserville

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.

Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:

"Tonto, you dumb-ass, someone has stolen our tent."

Two Indians and a Loserville fan, were walking in the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Loserville fan was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about,
was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "
It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening.
If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave.
The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.
He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Loserville fan wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,
"Hoo, man!
Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found.
There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might,
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of Newspaper read.....

"NAKED LOSERVILLE FAN RAN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN."

Why do driver’s education classes at UlaSmell use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Why do Loserville Basketball players cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Rick Pricktino walks into a bar and sits down. The bar tender tells him not to go
near the girl in the corner because she is a hooker. So he goes over to
her even though the bar tender told him not to. He asks her how much it
would be for a hand job and she says two-hundred-dollars. He says wow isn't
that a little steep and she says she that Ferrari out there I got that from
just doing hand jobs. So he says ok and gets the hand job and it's the best
he ever felt. So he goes back the next day and asks how much it would be for
a blow job. She says three-hundred-dollars and the guy says well isn't that
a little steep. She says see that three level apartment, I got that from
doing blow jobs. So he gets the blow job and it's the best he has ever felt.
So he goes back the next day and asks how much full sex would be. She says
see that island out there, I would own that island if I were really a woman.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security
system got underway immediately. The robbers,2 Loserville grads, who expected to find one or two large
safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and
inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio
tape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a
second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued
until all the safes were opened. They found neither one dollar nor a diamond nor
an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding, which
the robbers consumed. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving
with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline next day read:
KENTUCK’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

A Loserville Tard's fan walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

A woman marries a Loserville TARD's fan and puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The Loserville TARD's fan says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, every time I got a bushel, I sold it."

A Loserville TARD's fan walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, Miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me four black, and three cream and sugars."

Did you hear about the Loserville TARD's fan who walked around the world? He drowned.