What do you call the moisture between two people having sex in Tennessee?

Last night on Fox news they interviewed Tard Fans about the Marvin Stone situation. They interviewed a 10 year old Tard fan who struggled to get the words out but he stated what we already thought most Tards felt. In a Nutshell he said it was UK trying to keep the Tards down. From this day forward he will be known as Tommy Tard.

Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.

**********************************************************************************************

The personnel manager next interview them together. He presents them with this potential problem: Now Zek and Luke, lets say that you two are a driving team. One of you is driving the rig and the other is asleep in the back. You are going down this very steep hill with sixty thousand pounds of steel on the truck. All of a sudden your breaks go out and your speed is increasing. What would be the first thing you'd do ?

"I know, I know, I know the first thing I'd do". The personnel manager says "yes Luke, what is the first thing you'd do?" Luke says, "I'd wake Zek up." The personnel manager replies, "WHAT ! "Why would wake Zek up ?"

Two Tards fans go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the Tards catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Tard turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

*****************************************************************************************

So then Pitino ask for some 15 year old bourbon, the bartender returns with the drink and Pitino takes a sip, winces, spits it out and says, that is 12 year old bourbon, how dare you insult a man of my stature with inferior bourbon, the bartender goes through his apologies, siting his earlier explanation and Pitinos next request was for a 30 year old port wine.

Meanwhile and old drunk at the end of the bar calls the bartender down and hands him a glass and says give this to that slick Italian and tell him it's on me.

The bartender gives the drink to Pitino, he takes one large sip and winces and spits it out, "My Lord", he cries, That tastes like urine!

A UK fan goes into a Loserville tard bar in loserville. The bartender told him to get out, "This is Loserville Tards bar only no Cat fans allowed." The Cat fan says that he only wants to Buy 1 beer and he would leave. The bartender pours him a beer and gives him the third degree to boot. Then the bartender ask "What are you doing in Loserville anyway?" The Cat fan tells him that he is a taxidermist and he was in town for the conference. The bartender ask "What is a taxidermist?" The Cat fan says "I mount animals." The bartender turns to the boys in the back and says "Don't worry guys he is one of us!"

*************************************************************************************************************

Two Loserville basketball players are in a car, who is driving?

Q: Why can't Tards put in light bulbs?

At the police station, Luke explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him while watching the Tards play on TV.

"Well," Luke began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

There was a Tard, a UK fan and an IU Cheerleader sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the countryside. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, The IU Cheerleader and the UK fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the TARD had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The TARD was thinking: 'The UK fan must have kissed the IU Cheerleader and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The IU Cheerleader was thinking: 'The TARD must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the UK fan and got slapped for it.' And the UK fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Tard bastard again.

***********************************************************************************************

They all board the train. The Tards take their respective seats but all three UK students cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the UK students don't buy a ticket at all!!

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, will you shut up!"

About half way across the pasture, the Tard in the back of the costume, looked out of the convenient hole and said, Hey! Junior, there's a bull bearing down on us, what should we do. Junior replied " Personally I am going to pretend to be grazing, but I think you had better brace yourself.

*************************************************************************

So There is a WKU grad, Kentucky grad, and a Loserville grad. They're checking in to a hotel. The WKU grad signs his name, John Doe LLP. The clerk asked what it meant and he said he was a lawyer. The Kentucky grad signed his name Jack Smith MD. Again the clerk asked what the initials meant. He said he was a doctor.

Then when Tard grad signed his name he signed Michael Johnson SI. The clerk, bewildered asked what SI meant. The Tard grad looking annoyed said he majored in civil engineering!

********************************************************************************

Q: Why did the Tard cheerleader resolve to have only three children?

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big Redneck Tard fan steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The Tard says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

He told the drunk tard that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The Tard staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

After a few beers a British surgeon rose to address his colleagues. "Last year we dealt with a chap who had been pulled into a printing press. All that was left was one finger. Our team worked to build a new hand around the finger, an arm around the hand, and then we grafted these to a body to recreate a man. He was back at work after 6 weeks and is considered a winner."

Not to be outdone, a Californian surgeon rose next. "Last year we were called to help with a lady who had been bombarded by high intensity radiation at a nuclear power plant. All that was left was her hair. Well, our team used DNA slicing to recreate a head, and we genetically engineered a torso and limbs and in 6 months she was ready to return to work. She is also considered a winner."

***********************************************************************************************

A Tard fan in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk Tard insisted and was given a gun.

He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after tying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bull’s-eyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk Tard wasn't aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a small, live turtle. The Tard wandered off into the crowd.

An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk Tard insisted, and once more scored three bull’s-eyes and was given another turtle.

Eventually the drunk Tard rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bull’s-eyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.

"Yes, sir!", he announced to the crowd. "This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 69-piece set of glassware!"

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

The Tard bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The Tard bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the Tard bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. The Tard tender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The Tard tender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

A Tard had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw Tim Couch. He was telling a friend about his girlfriend and how he was lucky to have her for a girlfriend.

The Tard, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the Tard-tender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the Tard-tender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The Tard-keep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the Tard-tender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone Tard gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, Tard?"

So, the Tard begins his tale. "Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before." You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true."

He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door."

"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"

"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"

Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'

But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure." "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass."

A Lifelong Tard fan died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Tard thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Tard said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the TARD a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Great!" said the UK fan, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"

"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The UK fan was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the TARD.

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" said the TARD.

"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the TARD was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

******************************************************************************

Introducing Tardco construction company and their new Ricky Pee Condos/trailer park.

You can now live like Ricky Pee. Enjoy your spacious Double-Wide condo. Live next to Tard greats like Beau Zack Smith and Boo Brewer. Weenie roast every Friday night and of course Tuesday night Football when the Tards start their season.

Show em you are a Tard...live like a Tard...live with the Tards...in the new Ricky Pee Condos/trailer park!

"I've got to get this guy!" Petrino said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Tards go on to win the BCS Championship Bowl for the first time in history.

The young Iraqi Kurd is idolized as the Great Hero of football, and when Petrino asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the BCS Championship."

"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son."

"I don't think you understand, Mother!" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No, let me tell you," the mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten with an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight."

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says:

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married.

They went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

While they were lying by the pool one morning, he got up off of his towel, climbed the ten-meter board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. When he straightened out, he cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps, she climbed back out and laid down on her towel, hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No," she said, "I hooked my way through college, at Loserville, and I worked both sides of the Ohio river."