A TARD pushes his Yugo into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the TARD, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the TARD.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a TARD cheerleader?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

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A female tard fan finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

A very Ugly Tardinal Cheerleader took her pig to the local fair. As the two were walking to the pig contest, someone stopped them and said, "ma'am, the dog contest is this away." Very upset, the tardinal cheerleader replied, " you dummy, that isn't a dog...its a pig." Laughing, the person who stopped them said, "i was talking to the pig"

Tubby was presented a new Cadillac by the boosters at UK. The Cadillac dealer told him it was a new model, one with a voice-activated radio. "All you have to do is tell the radio what type of music you want and the radio automatically tunes to that type of station." Well, Tubby was quite impressed and he drove off the lot with his new Caddy. As he's driving down the street, he decides to check out the fancy radio. "Classical" he says - and the radio tunes to a classical station. "Country" he says - and the radio tunes to a country station. "Classic rock" he says - and the radio tunes to a classic rock station. All of a sudden, another car runs a stop sign and almost hits Tubby's new car. "You Dumb Ass" he says - and the radio tunes to the Ricky Pee Show.

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the TARD CEO looks around the Room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

A TARD photographer for the Courier journal was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire in eastern Kentucky. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at Bowman Field just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

They made their way to the forest fire. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the TARD photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because you idiot, I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The psychiatrist asked the TARD a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an _expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among LOSERS."

A guy is in a bar with his dog, watching the Card vs. UK game. The Cards surprisingly manage to get a 3 pt goal and the dog barks repeatedly. The bartender looks at the dog in awe. After a while the Cards score another and the dog does flips and dances across the bar. Then, the bartender looks at the guy and says, "Man, that's amazing. What does your dog do when UL beats the Cats?" The guy replied, "I dunno, I've only had him 2 years."

...Well Pitino ruined a new perfectly good Armani and they have tried unsuccessfully for days to get the smell out of Freedom Hall.

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Dear Abby,

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Covington.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Eddyville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting trial on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Campton, She is still a part time "working girl". All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

The second TARD says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

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By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. The TARD had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!"

To the TARD's shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He had mentioned the trip to his barber a TARD, who responded, "Why would anyone want to go there. It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"TWA!" exclaimed the TARD barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome, the rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"That's rich," laughed the TARD barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was over booked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel! Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were over booked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me."

A fly was buzzing around a barn one day when he happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate, and ate, and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much, though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the ground. Dead.

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While he is busy eating, move on to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth."

The loving TARD couple was finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the TARD husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his TARD bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

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She then comes back downstairs, looks at the younger TARD, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

Reload and finish the job!

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir TARD, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The TARD again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the TARD owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a really deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand What makes a TARD tick. I want to know how they can possibly pull for U of L, what they are thinking when they defend Rick Pitino's lies, why they cry about UK's success. I just want to know how these TARDs could be so ignorant"

A patient steps into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools. He noticed there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." He thanked the officer as he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the TARD is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

Q: Why did the TARD grad try and steal a police car?

A: He saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up.

The TARD counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young TARD stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup."Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The TARD bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks - "What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the air head,"I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the old TARD says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the old TARD's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (or —80), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The TARD said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

So the couple drove across the state border into Indiana to get a second opinion.

The Indiana physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were wearing UofL T-shirts.

The doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the TARD went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count '1, 2, 3, 4, 5...' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

The friend says, ''Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.''

"While I was down there, I met up with Bobby Huggins, who was handcuffed to the ugliest woman I had ever seen in my life. I said: 'Bobby, what are you doing down here, and what are you doing with her?' He said: 'Well, I committed a sin. I found myself a little short on money, so I cheated on my taxes. As punishment, I have to spend eternity down here with her.' I told him I felt bad for him and moved on.

"I then ran into Billy Donovan, who was with an even uglier woman. I said: 'Billy , what's going on? Why are you here, and with her?' He said: 'Mick, I never told anyone this, but I cheated big time on my taxes. Now I'm here for eternity handcuffed to her.' I shook my head and walked on.

"Who did I see next but Rick Pitino, who was handcuffed to Ashley Judd. I said: 'Rick. You stud. How did you end up here with her?' He said: 'I really don't know, but Ashley said something about her taxes.'"

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A high school student was applying to colleges and decided to visit Cambellsville. During the interview, the admissions officer asked the prospect, "Are you a Baptist?" The student replied, "No." The admissions officer and the student continued, "Was your Daddy a Baptist?" "No." "Was your Granddaddy a Baptist?" "No." The admissions officer finally said, "Well, I'm sorry but you can't come to Cambellsville."

Dejected, the student went to visit Duke. Eventually, the Duke admissions officer asks, "Are you from New Jersey?" The student answers, "No." The questioning followed the same course as the interview at Cambellsville and concludes with "Well, I'm sorry, but you just can't come to Duke."

Finally, the student visits Tennessee. As the interview winds down, the admissions officer asks the student, "Are you a farmer... Was your Daddy a farmer? Was your Granddaddy a farmer?" The student irritatingly answers "No" to each question and finally exclaims in frustration, "Well, I'm a son of a bitch!" UT's admission officer smiles in affirmation and says, "Well, why didn't you say so? Louisville is just 247 miles that way!"

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A TARD knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him.

"I wanna bigger mobile home" said the TARD. His trailer became a brand spankin new double-wide with a porch in the blink of an eye.

"I'm no fool," said the TARD. "I wanna be a UK grad...they get all the bestest jobs and I kin get rich thatta way." And there he stood, with a full set of teeth clean shaven and all the confidence in the world.

"Thirdly, after thinking about it...I never want to work another day in my life." And he was a TARD again.