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Four LoseRvillE TARDs football players
went to the bar in their pick-up. Three
sat up in the cab and one sat in the bed of the truck. The three players were in the bar for about an hour before the fourth
finally came in, looking frustrated.
They asked, 'What took you so long?' He responded, 'Well, I had trouble getting the
tail gate open!'
************************************
Why don't LoseRvillE TARD’s fans
get coffee breaks at work?
Because retraining
costs too much!
****************************************************
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. " I know this midget with a speech impediment
who wants to buy a horse, He’s a fellow LoseRvillE TARD’s fan I'm sending him over."
Midget arrives, and the
owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.
"Nith
looking horth, can I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the
midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth.
Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget
and shows the eyes.
"Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner
is getting pissed, but he
picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat."
With
that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the
horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the
midget says,
"perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
***********************************************************************************************
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The
first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The
second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical
order.”
The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The
fourth one said, “I like to operate on LoseRvillE TARD’s fans. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and
their heads and their ass are interchangeable.
************************************************************************************************
What is a LoseRvillE TARDs cheerleader’s
mating call?
''NEXT!''
**********************************************************************************************
What happens to you when you find out a LoseRvillE TARD’s football player
passed
a test?
You wake up.
**********************************************************************************************
Why did God give LoseRvillE TARD’s fans
2% more brains than horses?
So
they don't crap on the street during parades!
**********************************************************************************************
One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the
road. He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light
to change, he noticed a LoseRvillE TARD’s cheerleader standing next to him and smiling. “What are those big bulges
in your running shorts?” she asked.
“Tennis balls,” answered the man, smiling back. “Wow,”
said the cheerleader, looking upset. “That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.”
*******************************************************************
JoAnn Pricktino died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when
she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day. When she asked St.
Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move.
The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.'' Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to
Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He
only told two lies in his life. JoAnn asked ''Where is Rick's clock?'' St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in his office...
he's using it as a ceiling fan.'''
*******************************************************************
A police officer stops a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan for speeding, and asks very plainly,
“May I see your license and registration, sir.”
The local replied with a huff, “I wish you guys would
get your act together. Just yesterday you took my license away from me, now you expect me to show it to you?!?"
*******************************************************************************************************
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the
ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The
same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The
third guy, a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan, laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He
gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed
a bird with a stone.''
*********************************************************************************************************
A LoseRvillE TARD’s fan goes to the optometrist, and the doctor says "You
really need to stop masturbating." The man, a little worried, asks the doctor, "why... am I going blind?" "No," says the doctor.
"But you're disturbing everyone else in the waiting room."
****************************************************************************************
Rick Pricktino, whenever game day came around, would change into a red shirt.
After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the LoseRvillE TARDs asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get
hit in the face by a loose ball. I don't want you players to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At
that moment, A LoseRvillE TARD’s player spotted The UK Wildcat’s team bus on the horizon. Rick all of a sudden
looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."
*****************************************************
A LoseRvillE TARD’s fan wakes up to find his dog, dead, lying next to the
bed on the floor. He doesn't believe his dog is dead, so he takes him to the vet, and the vet says, ''I'm sorry, but your
dog is dead.'' The man doesn't believe him and says, ''I want a second opinion.''
The doctor goes into the back and brings
out a cat. The cat jumps all over the dog and bites it and says to the vet, ''Meeoowrr.'' The vet says again, ''I'm sorry,
sir, your dog is dead.''
The man says, ''No, I want another opinion.''
So the doctor brings out a Labrador Retriever
and he jumps all over the dead dog and tugs at it and barks at it and says to the vet, ''Rrrrr.'' The vet says, ''I'm sorry,
sir, but your dog is dead. that will be 600 dollars.''
''$600 to tell me my dog is dead?'' asks the LoseRvillE TARD’s
fan.
''Well,'' the vet replies, ''I'm 100 dollars, the cat scan was 300 and the lab test was 200 dollars.''
**************************************************************************************************************
Every Saturday morning an avid golfer, LoseRvillE TARD’s fan gets up early
to catch his morning tee time and spend the day playing golf.
One Saturday morning, as is his schedule, he gets up early,
eats a quick breakfast and heads out to the course. The weather is terrible; there’s a torrential downpour with snow
mixing in and a 50 mph wind.
Defeated, he comes back into the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel, which informs
him it’s only going to get worse. He puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses, then slips back into bed
with his wife. “The weather out there is terrible,” the LoseRvillE TARD’s fan whispers.
“Yeah,”
she replies, “can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?”
*****************************************************************************************************************
A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another
man, a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan. Incensed, he drags the man out to the garage and puts his Johnson in a vise.
He secures
it and removes the vise handle, then picks up a hacksaw.
The LoseRvillE TARD’s fan, terrified, screams, "Stop! Stop!
You’re not going to…to…cut it off, are you?"
The husband shakes his head and hands him the hacksaw. "Nope—you
are. I’m just going to set the garage on fire."
*************************************************************************************************************************************
I hear that the North Carolina Tarholes are replacing their Basketball floor with
a Cardboard one.
Their thinking:
They always look good on paper!
*****************************************************************************************
Q - What do you call a LoseRvillE TARD’s cheerleader with two brain cells?
A - Pregnant!
******************************************************************************************
A young woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more
frustrated at her husband’s, a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan, lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add
some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotch less underwear she had seen in a novelty
shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower,
freshened up, and donned her crotch less undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television
and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
“Want some of this?” she purred.
“Are you kidding?”,
the LoseRvillE TARD’s fan replied. “Look what it did to your underwear!”
******************************************************************************************************************************************
Two LoseRvillE TARD’s fans are working on a house. One of them, who’s
nailing down siding, has been reaching into his pouch, pulling out a nail, and either tossing it over her shoulder or nailing
it in. The second LoseRvillE TARD’s fan, figuring this was worth looking into, asks, "Hey—how come you’re
throwing half the nails over your shoulder?"
The first fan explains, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed
toward me, I throw it away because it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in."
"You
moron!" the second fan yells. "The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective. They’re for the other side of the
house."
********************************************************************************************************************************************
Q - How many LoseRvillE TARD’s basketball players does it take to put in
a light bulb?
A - Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
********************************************************************************************************************************************
A LoseRvillE TARD’s fan goes into a supermarket and buys a tube of toothpaste,
a bottle of Pepsi, a bag of tortilla chips, and a frozen pizza. The cute girl at the register looks at him and says, "Single,
huh?"
Sarcastically the guy sneers, "How’d you guess?"
She replies, "Because you’re so damn ugly."
*********************************************************************
A LoseRvillE TARD’s fan calls in sick to work.
“What’s wrong?” asks the boss.
“I’m
sick,” the guy replies.
“You sound all right.”
“No, I’m really sick. Believe me.”
“Listen,
you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can’t be that sick!”
“Dude,
I just banged my sister. Don’t tell me I’m not sick.
**************************************************************************
These two LoseRvillE TARD’s fans are driving a garbage truck, and they come
to an overpass that says "Clearance 12 feet 4 inches." The two guys get out and measure the truck and find out it's over 13
feet tall.
"Well, what do you want to do?" one guy asks the other.
The other guy looks around and says, "I don't see
any cops around, lets go for it."
**************************************************************************
Q: How do you circumcise a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan?
A: Kick his sister
on the chin.
*****************************************************************************
A Loserville Tards’s cheerleader holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver
looks at them and says, “Damn, That's the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
In a huff the woman slams her
money into the fare box and goes to the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sees she’s agitated and asks what’s
wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumes.
“That’s outrageous!” says the man. “He’s
a public servant and shouldn’t be insulting passengers.”
“You 're right!” the woman says. “I
think I’ll go up there and give him a piece of my mind!”
“That’s a good idea,” says the man.
“'I’ll hold your monkey.”
*****************************************************************************
Q. What do you do if there's a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan staggering around in
your yard?
A. Shoot him again.
****************************************************************************
These two LoseRvillE TARD’s fans walk into a brothel, and the madam doesn't
feel like wasting time on these two guys, so she sends them to their room with blow up dolls. Well, the two guys do their
business and then get in the car and head home. One the way back, one LoseRvillE TARD’s fan turns to the other and says,
"You know, I think my girl was dead. She didn't moan, groan, or even move. I don't even think she was breathing."
"Really?"
said the other LoseRvillE TARD’s fan. "You know, now that I think about it, I think my lady was a witch?"
"A witch?""
asked the first guy. "Why do you think that?"
"Well, when I started nibbling on her nipple, she flew out the window."
************************************************************************************
These two LoseRvillE TARD’s fans walk into a brothel, and the madam doesn't feel like
wasting time on these two guys, so she sends them to their room with blow up dolls. Well, the two guys do their business and
then get in the car and head home. One the way back, one LoseRvillE TARD’s fan turns to the other and says, "You know,
I think my girl was dead. She didn't moan, groan, or even move. I don't even think she was breathing."
"Really?" said the
other LoseRvillE TARD’s fan. "You know, now that I think about it, I think my lady was a witch?"
"A witch?"" asked
the first guy. "Why do you think that?"
"Well, when I started nibbling on her nipple, she flew out the window."
***************************************************************************************
What do you get when you complete the activities sheet at Denny’s??
Accepted
to U of Loserville.
**************************************************************************************
What do you call a trailer park surrounded by a brick wall??
Papa Johns
Stadium.
*************************************************************************************
Q:How do you keep a UT Graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
*********************************************************
Why UT team colors are Orange.
(1) They wear the colors on Saturday for game day.
(2)
They wear the colors on Sunday for hunting.
(3) The rest of the week they can pick up trash.
**********************************************************
What’s the difference between the Loserville cheerleaders and the titanic?
Less than a couple thousand
people went down on the titanic.
**********************************************************
How do you get to Papa Johns stadium from Lexington?
Take I-64 West till' you
smell it,
Take I-65 North till' you step in it.
**********************************************************
How many LoseRvillE TARDS does it take to screw in light bulb?
One, but
he gets 4 credits for doing it.
***************************************************************
Two LoseRvillE TARD’s cheerleaders are walking down the street one day when
they find a compact on the ground. One of them picks it up, opens it, and looks into the mirror. “Hey, this picture
looks kind of familiar,” she says.
The other LoseRvillE TARD’s cheerleader grabs the compact, looks into the
mirror, and says, “You idiot, that’s me!”
*****************************************************************
Q:How do you save a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan from drowning?
A: Take your
foot off his head.
******************************************************************
This LoseRvillE TARD’s fan is sitting at home while his wife is at work.
His wife calls him at home, and seems very excited. "You won't believe this," she says, "but I just won the lottery. $5 million.
I'm on my way home, pack your bags."
"That's incredible. I can't believe it," said the LoseRvillE TARD’s fan. "What
should I pack?"
His wife answered, "It doesn't matter, just as long as you are out of the house in five minutes."
**************************************************************************
Did you hear about the Loserville graduate who is now CEO of a Fortune 500 company?
Me
neither.
**********************************************************************
Why do the girls at Loserville have rectangular breast?
Because they forgot
to take the tissue out of the box!!!
******************************************************
Why do LoseRvillE TARD’s fans wear hats all the time?
So they know which
end to wipe !!!!!
******************************************************
Two young men were sharing an elevator in the Capital Building in Frankfort.
The
first young man looked at the other and said "Gee, you must be a graduate of the University of Kentucky". The second looked
at him rather astonished, and remarked "Well yes, as a matter of fact I am. What in the world made you surmise that?"
The
first young man answered; "Well, your suit is immaculate, your grooming is impeccable and you have all the indisputable airs
of a UK Grad."
The second young man replied, "And you, I can tell, graduated from UofL". "Well, yes I did," said the first,
"How on earth did you know that?" "I noticed your class ring while you were picking your nose", answered the second!
******************************************************************
What do you get when you go fast through Louisville?
A Degree from UofL.
*****************************************************************
If you have a car containing a Tards wide receiver, a Tards running back, and a Tards linebacker, who
is driving the car?
The Cop.
*********************************************
Why did the LoseRvillE TARD’s fan cross the road ?
His Thingy was stuck
in the chickens butt !!!
**********************************************
Several years ago the University of Kentucky funded a study to determine why the
head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took 2 years and cost over $180,000.00. The results of the study
concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during
sex. After the results were published, the U.S. Government decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were
convinced that the results of the U.K. study were incorrect. After three years of research and cost an excess of $250,000.00,
they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the U.S. Government study were released, The University of Loserville decided to conduct their own study.
The Tards didn't really trust the government or Wildcat studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and at
a cost of right around $15.00, the Loserville study reached a conclusion. They came to the final conclusion that the reason
the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
**********************************************************
How many LoseRvillE TARD’s fan does it take to eat dinner?
Three... 1 to eat it, and 2 to watch
for cars.
**********************************************************
Q: What's the difference between a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan and a trampoline?
A:
You take your cleats off before jumping on the trampoline.
*********************************************************
How can you tell if an LoseRvillE TARD’s fan has been using the computer
There's
white-out on the screen !!!!!
How can you tell if another LoseRvillE TARD’s fan has been using the same computer
There's
writing over the white-out!!!!!
**********************************************************
How do you stop a LoseRvillE Basketball fan from masturbating?
Paint his "Johnson"
White and blue and he can't beat it for years.
**********************************************************
One day, Jimmy Joe a LoseRvillE TARD’s fan was walking down Main Street
when he saw his buddy Bubba another LoseRvillE TARD’s fan driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a
wide grin. "Bubba, where'd you get that truck?" "Bobby Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied. "She gave it to you? I knew she
was kinda sweet on you, but a new truck?" asked Jimmy Joe. "Well," said Bubba, "let me tell you what happened. We were driving
out on a road in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in four-wheel drive and headed into the
woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!"
Jimmy Joe smiled and said, "Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes would've never fit you."
***************************************************************************************
There was a married couple and the wife could never get the husband, a LoseRvillE
TARD’s fan, to do anything. "Honey, the light switch needs fixing," replied the wife. "Who do I look like, an electrician?"
stated the husband. "Honey, the toilet needs fixing," she would say. "Who do I look like, a plumber?" was his reply. "Honey,
the chair needs fixing." "Who do I look like, a carpenter?" he said. One day, the wife got tired of asking her husband to
do things, so she told her husband, "I'm going get somebody to come in and fix these things." After her husband left for work,
she called her neighbor Bob and he came and fixed everything. When her husband got home, she informed him Bob had fixed everything.
"Good," he stated. "How much did he charge?" The wife said, "Well, I had two options—he said I could either bake him
a cake or have sex with him." The stunned husband asked, "Well, what type of cake did you bake?" The wife replied, "Who do
I look like, Betty Crocker?"
*************************************************************************************************
A LoseRvillE TARD’s fan is very ashamed of his penis because of its size.
It’s extremely small, and he doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size. So, one night, when he
and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner, he decides he’ll just face his fear and show her. The LoseRvillE
TARD’s fan unzips his pants, whips out his manhood and puts it into her hand. He sits there, impatiently, waiting for
her reaction. His girlfriend says, "Thanks, but I don't smoke."
**********************************************************
A UK fan and his wife were driving through Louisville, when he reached down to turn the radio station.
All of a sudden there was a huge thump and his wife screamed "oh my God...I think you just ran over Rick Pitino..."
The
man quickly threw the car in reverse...another huge thud...
His wife said "I think you just ran over him again!?!"
The
UK fan explained "I could see him in the rear view mirror...and he was still moving..."
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