Q: What do a tornado and a Loserville grad have in common?

A: They both end up in trailer parks!
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Q: What are the three hardest years in the life of a Loserville fan?

A: Second Grade!
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Q: Why don't they teach drivers ed and sex ed on the same day in Loserville?

A: It's too hard on the mule!
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Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a Tard funeral?

A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles!
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Q: Why did the Loserville Tard stop having phone sex?

A: Because the little holes hurt too much!
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Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "241."

"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the Mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss."

Next Albert introduces himself to a man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the gentleman answers, "144." "That's great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."

Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cardinals?"
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Last night Rick P went down to the Tardinal Inn to drown his blues. After knocking down a few he gets directions to the men's room for a little relief. He is in there for a while and patrons in the bar hear a horrible scream. The bartender says "He is really taking this loss to Memphis hard". A few more minutes pass and the bar patrons hear another painfully loud scream. It happens again and the bartender rushes into the restroom fearing Rick is ending his life. He storms into the room and asked Rick "What's wrong coach?" Rick replied "Every time I pull the handle on this toilet something reaches up and grabs my testicles and man it hurts". The bartender shook his head and said "Do me a favor man...Quit crapping in my mop bucket".

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Two TARDS grads are measuring a telephone pole. One guy is holding it up and the other is trying to run the tape up it. Two UK students drive by, stop, and say, "Why don't you lay the pole down and it will be easier to measure?" The Loserville students lay the pole down and begin measuring. As soon as the UK guys drive off, one of the Loserville students says to the other, "Get that thing back up. I wanted to measure the height, not the length."

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Q.) What happens when a TARDS fan eats a mosquito?
A.) He has more brain cells in his stomach than his head.
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It was recently announced that they had to stop serving ice at the U of Loserville cafeterias.
The guy with the recipe transferred to Eastern.
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A UK fan is driving through the Loserville campus and is pulled over by a TARDS Campus policeman. The policeman approaches the driver's door. "Is there a problem Officer?" The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?" The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one. "You don't have one?" The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving." The Tards Campus policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The policeman says, "Why not?" "I stole this car." The officer says, "Stole it?" The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner." At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?" "She's in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car. He realizes that he is way over his head and calls for the real police. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?" "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." "Murdered the owner?" The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?" The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. The officer says, "Is this your car sir?" The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers. The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "The Tards campus police officer claims that you do not have a driving license." The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, the campus police officer told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner." The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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A Loserville Grad and a UK Grad are driving on the same road in opposite directions late at night. Both were weary and tired and had a head on collision. The Loserville Grad crawls out of his car and thinks to himself "Man, I am quite lucky to survive this mess." The UK Grad crawls out o few moments later and thinks the same thing to himself. The Loserville fan walks over and notices a UK license plate laying on the ground. He says "Boy, we are lucky. I think God is sending is a message that our two Universities should get along." The UK Grad agrees and says "Your right, let's celebrate this occasion of the first two UL and UK fans to get along." They both walk to the back of the UK Grads car and they both work to pry open the trunk. There in the back was an un-opened bottle of Jack Daniels that wasn't scarred by the collision. The UK Grad opens the bottle and hands it to the Loserville fan and says "Drink up Pal!" Guzzle, Guzzle, Guzzle, the Loserville alum drinks half the bottle and hands it to the UK Alum and says "Your turn." The UK Alum says "NO, I think I'll just wait for the cops."

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Why don't U of L fans duck hunt?
They can't throw the dogs high enough.
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On reaching his plane seat, Rick Pitino is surprised to see a parrot strapped
into the seat next to him. RP asks the stewardess for a cup of
coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't
you get me a whiskey, you bi*ch.."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a
whiskey for the parrot, but inadvertently forgets RP's cup of
coffee.
As RP nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the
stewardess, the parrot quickly downs his drink and shouts, "And get me
another whiskey, you $lut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey, but
still no coffee for RP.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, RP decides that he is going to try
the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you
bi*ch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that
disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both RP and the parrot are wrenched up and
thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards. Plunging downward
toward the ground, the parrot turns to RP and says, "For someone
who can't fly, you sure are a cocky ba$ta*d ."
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A UK fan walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch." "What catch?" the man asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every TARD in the world will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I suppose I can live with that," replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"
Wham! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now every TARD in the world has two new Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"
"I'd love a billion dollars," replied the man.
Wham! One billion dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every TARD in the world has two billion dollars," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my billion," replied the man.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
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Q) What's red and White and goes 100 MPH?

A) A Tard in a blender!
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An old UK fan was eating in a truck stop when three TARD bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old UK fan, pushed his cigarette into the old UK fan's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second TARD walked up to the old UK fan, spit into his milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old UK fan, turned over his plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old UK fan quietly left the diner.
Shortly thereafter, one of the Tard bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."
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The girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm a Loserville fan, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're a Loserville fan."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school." Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm a Loserville fan, Mommy?"

Yes, it's because you're a Loserville fan."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm a Loserville fan, mommy?"

"Yes, well that and the fact that you're 25 years old."
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Norman and his wife, a Former Loserville Tards Cheerleader,
now live up north. One winter
morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say,
"We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must
park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves
her car.
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A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street,
so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and
moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park...........," then the electric power goes out before
instructions are provided as to which side of the street to park.
Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do." Norman
says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Three guys, a UK fan, Rick Pitino, and Bobby Huggins are in a Tard bar on the top of a tower in downtown Louisville. The UK guy says to the others "You know, if had just one more beer, I reckon I could fly."
Pitino says "No Way!"
So the UK guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three walk out to the edge of the balcony. The UK fan jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies gracefully back to the top of the balcony.
Pitino is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too."
All three guys go into the bar, and Pitino has one more beer. After he finishes, he says "Ok, I will be able to fly now."
All three of them go outside and Pitino jumps off of the balcony. He falls to the bottom, hitting the ground and dying instantly.
Huggins turns to the UK fan and said "You know Superman, you can be a real funny guy when you drink.”
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Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a Tard freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

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Returning home from Cheerleading practice, a tard cheerleader was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the
crime.
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The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the Tard cheerleader ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the
steps.
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Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Two boys are playing football at a park in a small town in
Eastern Kentucky when one of the boys is suddenly attacked
by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes
a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and
breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and
rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going
to write the story and says, "I'll title it 'Young UK Fan Saves
Friend From Vicious Animal.' "But I'm not a UK fan," the
little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Kentucky, I just
assumed you were," says the reporter, and he starts writing
again. He asks, "How does 'Louisville Fan Rescues Friend
From Horrific Attack' sound?"

"I'm not a Louisville fan either," the boy says. "Oh, I thought
everyone in Kentucky was either for UK or Louisville.
"What team do you root for?" the reporter asks. "I'm just
visiting my cousin, I'm a Tennessee Volunteer fan," the boy
replies, "they're just the best!"

The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and
writes: "Little Redneck Bastard From Tennessee Kills
Beloved Family Pet."
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What is the difference between Rick Pitino and a carp?
One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other is a fish.
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Hear about the Florida Students that were 2 hours late to class?
The escalator was stuck....
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Why does the Florida basketball team wear uniforms made out of polyester?
No virgin wool within a hundred miles of Gainesville!
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How come Gators don't drink Kool-Aid?
Because they can't figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in the little package.
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How do you keep an Florida sorority girl in the shower all day?
Give her shampoo that says lather, rinse, repeat.
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A Morehead State, a Western KY, and a Loserville Student were all having lunch
together
on a bridge outside Tallahassee. The Morehead State student opens his lunch
box and says, "A hotdog again! If I have to eat one more hotdog I'm going
to
jump off this bridge!" The WKU student then opens his lunch box and
exclaims, "Salad again! If I have to eat salad one more time I'm going to
jump too!" Lastly the Loserville student opens his lunch box and complains,
"Peanut butter and jelly! If I get peanut butter and one more time I'm
going
to end it all too!" The next day the Morehead State student finds another
hotdog and jumps... the WKU student got salad again and threw himself off
the bridge too... finally the Loserville student finds peanut butter and jelly
again and jumps to his demise as well. Later when the three mothers were
grieving the Morehead State mother cries, "If I had only known he didn't
like
hotdogs," and the WKU mother cried, "I thought salad was good for him."
The Loserville mother then exclaimed, "I don't understand... he fixed his own
lunch.
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A first grade teacher in Durham, NC explains to her class that she is a Duke fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Duke fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except the little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Duke fan." Janie replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Duke fan then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Kentucky fan, and proud of it" Janie said.

The teacher could not believe what she had heard. "Janie, WHY are you a Kentucky fan?"

"because my mom is a Kentucky fan, My dad is a Kentucky fan, so I am a Kentucky fan also" Janie said.

"Well" said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason to be a Kentucky fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time...What if your Mommy was a snotty, arrogant jackass and your Dad was a snotty arrogant jackass, what would you be then?"

"Then" Janie smiled and said, "We'd be Duke fans!! "
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A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.

The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in the outskirts of Louisville.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.

At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in the outskirts Louisville.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.

At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell - the Cardinals must have won the NCAA Championship!"

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Q: What happened to the Loserville ice hockey team?

A: They drowned during Spring Training.