A man limps into a Tard bar with a cane and alligator. The TARDtender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The TARDtender says "Well then, let’s see!" So the man whips out his manhood and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his Manhood without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" A Tard raises his hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

******************************************************************************
One day at the Tardinal Inn, this really hot chick walks up to the tardtender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, the tardtender goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

*********************************************************************************

Two University of Louisville football players were taking an important
final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not
allowed to play Sisters of the Poor U. the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald
had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to
get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't
watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped.

Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E -I-E-I-O."
 
*************************************************************************************

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a TARD’s.
**********************************************************************************

How many TARDS does it take to grease a combine?

Only one if you run him through slowly!
*****************************************************************************
What do you have when you bury six TARDS up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
*********************************************************************************
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued TARD $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why Tards cost so much. The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those sleezeballs, you would understand.”

**************************************************************************************************
What is the ideal weight of a TARD?

About three pounds, including the urn.
***********************************************************************
What's the difference between a TARD and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
***********************************************************************
 
A Tard heard that a Banana a day is the best thing to help ward off colon cancer...Someone should have told him he was supposed to eat it.

*************************************************************************
What’s the difference between a TARD and a Communist?

Communists have sympathizers.
*************************************************************************
How do you know if a TARD is well hung?

You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.
***************************************************************************************
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, Rick Pitino, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
************************************************************************************
A Loserville basketball player went to the movies. In the window a sign read, "UNDER 17- NOT ALLOWED.
So he went back to the dorm to get 16 buddies... 
 
*******************************************************************************************
The TARDS were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made. When the less evil one died, the surviving Tard sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint. The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving TARD, saying, "but compared to him, the departed Tard was a saint!"

************************************************************************************************

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a TARD?
***************************************************************************************************

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and Loserville got Rick Pitino?

New Jersey had first choice.
 **************************************************************************************
Changing TARD friends is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
****************************************************************************************
 
A friend is someone that will bail you out of jail for stuffing a sock into an obnoxious Tard fans mouth. A true friend is someone sitting beside you in jail, wearing one sock.

******************************************************************************************
 
Why is it that if you give a kid an encyclopedia, “TARD” is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is “butt.” The second is “anus.” And under anus, the encyclopedia says “See TARD.”

********************************************************************************************
Two Tards have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a gray suit.

Question: Who hits the bay first?
Answer: Who cares? Any way you look at it…It’s a good day.
***************************************************************************************
 
A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it’s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on?”

“My lion ate a TARD and this is his funeral,” is the reply.

“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a TARD I’d like to have eaten.”

“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line,” said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.

************************************************************************************

Four TARDS got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one TARD proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful; in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift. He also gave $100,000 to the UofL athletics fund.”

The second TARD, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift. He also gave $200,000 to the UofL athletics fund.”

The third TARD brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. He also gave $300,000 to the UofL athletics fund.”

As the fourth TARD arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio. I also understand that he is personally responsible for raising $600,000 for the UofL athletics fund. "

****************************************************************************************
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve TARDS here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a TARD for my 'gator."
*******************************************************************************************
How many Tards does it take to roof a house?

Depends on how thin you slice them.
*************************************************************
 
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Kentucky, and
while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real. Read to the end.

This TARD was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in
the middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The
storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly
the TARD saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept
toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the TARD got into the car and closed
the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car
slowly started moving again. The TARD was terrified, too scared to think of
jumping out and running. He saw that the car was slowly approaching a
sharp curve. The TARD started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the
ghost car would go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just
before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering
wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with terror, the
TARD watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally,
the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest
town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quivering, ordered two
shots of tequila, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural
experience. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the TARD was
apparently sane and not drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar. One says to
the other, "Look Johnny, There's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it in the rain."
***********************************************************************************
 

A stockbroker, on his way home from work in Lexington, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

The officer replies, "Rick Pitino has stopped his car up ahead. He says he is so depressed from coaching a bunch of Tards that he is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He said he couldn't stomach another year in CUSA, and he's blown most of his money and we are taking up a collection for him.

The stockbroker asks, "How much have you collected so far?"

The officer replies "About 4 ½ gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."  
****************************************************************************************************
This TARD was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be 100."
That must be God speaking, the TARD thought. Immediately he set out to begin doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed.

Coming face to face with God, the TARD protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?"

"I didn’t recognize you," replied God.
*****************************************************************************************
 
A doctor told his patient that her test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live.
“Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient.

“Marry a TARD,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”
*********************************************************************************************
 Why don’t you ever see TARDS at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand.
*******************************************************************************
  
A couple of X-Tard Cheerleaders were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome
of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
evident agony.

The TARD rushed down to the man and immediately
began to apologize.

She then explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help.

I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him
earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a
few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in
a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his
crotch.

But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside,
beginning to massage him.

"How does that feel?" she asked.

"It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts
like hell!
**********************************************************************
 
After being away on business, Tim the TARD thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tim the TARD, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tim the TARD complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim the TARD, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.
******************************************************************************

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and Rick Pitino.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

Finally Rick Pitino stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

********************************************************************************
A Young TARD grad applied for an engineering position at a firm in Louie-ville. A UK Grad applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to the TARD and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the other guy the job."

The TARD asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louie-ville, and me being a TARD grad I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."

The TARD then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Simple, the UK grad put down on question #4, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'."
********************************************************************************* 
 
How do you know when you have a car with two ITV moderators in the front seat?

It has dual airbags.
 
***************************************************************************
A TARD retreated for several weeks each year to his cabin in the backwoods of Arkansas. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a cheap assed TARD, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the TARD and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The TARD noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the TARD ran back to his Yugo and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the TARD. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the TARD, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. “What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the TARD, “I said he was in the other bear!” “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a TARD who told you that the Czech was in the male?”

*******************************************************************
JoAnn Pitino was in a terrible accident where her face was severely burned. The doctor told her that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So her best friend offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

JoAnn and her friend agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at JoAnn's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her friend, and she was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"JoAnn," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see Rick kiss you on the cheek."
**************************************************************************************
A lion in the Louis-ville zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a TARD into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
****************************************************************************************
A TARD fan named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

"Here lays an honest man and a TARD fan,” responded the TARD.

"Sorry, but I can't do that, “replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lays an honest TARD fan''."

"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the TARD.

"Certainly will, " retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
**************************************************************************
For three years, the young TARD had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a TARD.”

************************************************************************************************
 In the construction field, it is often noted that TARDS make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said TARDS were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having TARDS as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
************************************************************************** 

What’s black and brown and looks good on a TARD?

A Doberman  
****************************************************
 
A TARD walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender looked up and noticed what looked like a frog growing out of the side of the side of the TARD’s head. The bartender looked at the TARD and said "Oh, my goodness -- how did such an awful thing happen?" Before the TARD could say anything, the frog spoke up and said, "Well, it started off as a small wart on my fanny and it grew into this awful thing."

*******************************************************************
A TARD who gets lost on a fantasy cow drive (ala City Slickers) has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when
all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks
to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID
badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, TARD," says the genie...
"You know how it works. You have three wishes."

I'm not falling for this." Says the TARD. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor."

What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The TARD finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. He is
surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, TARD, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, TARD, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going
to be a string attached...
************************************************************************************
 
What do TARDS and sperm have in common?
Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
***************************************************************************
How many TARDS can you place on the point of a needle?
Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
**********************************************************************
A crooked TARD politician was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The TARD, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
***************************************************************************
 
If you see a TARD on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
It might be your bicycle.
**********************************************************
On a very large construction site a man was accidentally run over by a dozer and killed. The Foreman had to select one of the workers to go and inform the deceased mans wife of the terrible news. A Tard ran forward and begged the Foreman to let him tell her, the Foreman said No Way! this needs to be handled with tact and diplomacy, the Tard said he had done taken a course at Usmell on diplomacy and was jumping up and down begging the Foreman for the chance to prove himself. Since no one else stepped up, finally the foreman relented and let him go.

The Tard stopped at home and changed shirts and put on his best plaid polyester pants and set out on his errand.
He marched up to the Wife's door and rang the bell. When the wife appeared at the door, the Tard blurted out, Are you the Widow Jones, She was slightly taken aback and said NO! I am Mrs. Jones. With all of the diplomacy he could muster, the Tard said,........The $@% you are.

 *******************************************************************
The Pope and a TARD find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective lives, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the TARD will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)

"Hot Dog", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out:

"Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that TARD-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first (non-)damned TARD to make it up here!!"

*************************************************************
A gang of children are seen chasing a hunchbacked TARD through the streets of Loserville.
The TARD turns round and shouts "Get lost you little brats, I've told you, I ain't got your freaking football".
*****************************************************
A hunchbacked TARD goes to the doc and asks "Can you get rid of my hump?"
So the doc asks him to take all his clothes off. The TARD starts taking off his clothes, and he has loads of jumpers and jackets to take off.

As he is taking them off the doc says, "Hey TARD, when was the last time you took any of your clothes off before you put new ones on?"

The TARD replies, "Not since I was at grade school."
So the doc says, "Didn't you ever wonder where your damn book satchel had got to?"
*******************************************************************************************************
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed Loserville Grad carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the TARD wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well", she said, "I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."
***************************************************************
You can't take a TARD anywhere...

A TARD walks into a Catholic Church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing. The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the TARD replied, "No use knockin', pal, there's no paper in this one either."
************************************************************************************************
 
In my humble opinion...He's a TARD...He deserved it!

A TARD was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The TARD was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The TARD, still holding on to the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her TARD husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to lead the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the TARD to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The TARD was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving at home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette.

After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.

The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the TARD had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the TARD out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.

Loserville Grads end up livin in a van down by the river 
 ****************************************************************************************************
Basketball recruit goes to Notre Dame and asks for a scholarship. "Are you Catholic?" they ask.
"Well, no"
"Sorry, we only accept Catholics"
He goes down to Baylor. "I was pretty good in HS, can you give me a basketball scholarship?"
"Are you Baptist?"
"Well, no"
"Maybe you should try SMU"
Goes down to Dallas and asks "I was pretty good in HS could you give me a scholarship?"
"Wait a minute, I know, I’m not Methodist"
"Geez, I go to Notre Dame and they wont give me one cause I’m not Catholic. Baylor wont take me cause I’m not Baptist. You guys wont take me cause I’m not Methodist.... ........ILL BE A SONUBITCH..."....

Recruiter replies......."UofL will take ya"
 
************************************************************
A TARD cheerleader goes to get her haircut. The hair stylist cuts for about 30 minutes, hands the TARD a mirror and asks, "How do you like it?"

The TARD says, "It's okay, but could you make it just a little longer on the back?"
*************************************************************************************************
During a Loserville English final exam, the teacher found a TARD peeking at a classmate's answers.

"How can you cheat so blatantly?" the teacher shouted. "You have already stolen more than one look at your classmate's paper!"

"Don't blame me, sir," replied the TARD. "If her handwriting weren't so bad, I could have got it all at one glance."
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 "How's your new job at the warehouse going?" one guy asked the TARD Grad.

"I'm not going back there."

"Why not?"

"For many reasons," the TARD answered. "The sloppiness, the shoddy workmanship, the awful language - they just couldn't put up with it."

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I'm not reading through 600 of these things, so I hope this one hasn't been used, though it probably has.

Question: What do girls from Arkansas say after having sex?
Answer: Get up, dad, you're crushing my smokes.
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A boy who has been abused by his parents is asked in a custody hearing who he wants to live with. The judge asks "Do you want to live with your mom?" The boy answers "No she beats me." The judge asks "Do you want to live with your dad?" The boys replies "No he beats me." The judge asks "So, then who do you want to live with?" The boy answers "The Louisville Cardinals, because they don't beat anyone."

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In an Olive branch attempt to bury the axe Rick Pitino called Tubby and offered to take him on a trip to the Holy Land. Tubby agreed. He and Rick were visiting the wailing wall when Rick had a massive heart attack and died. The Hospital counseled Tubby and advised him that Rick could be transported to the USA for $10,000 or he could be buried there for $150.00. Tubby said "I'd prefer to take him home." The hospital counselor said "Why in the world would you do that? We can do the job here for a lot less money." Tubby replied "Two thousand years ago you guys buried a man here who arose 3 days later from the grave...I'm not willing to take that chance."

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What do TARDS and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
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What is the difference between a TARD and buffalo?

One we shot from trains.

The other we should have. And cars and planes ...
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A Kentucky State trooper pulls over a UL fan driving a pickup truck on I-65 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'Bout what?"
 
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Q: Why do TARD fan nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.
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The devil visited Rick Pitino's TARD office and made him an offer.
“I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. TARD fans will love you; your peers will respect you; you’ll go undefeated this year and win the National Championship. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and their children’s souls must rot in hell for eternity.”

Rick thought for a moment and said, “What’s the catch?”
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Bud and Jim were a couple of TARDS who worked as airplane mechanics at Loserville International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....." "Well don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"

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The top three TARDS, Pitino, Petrino, and Jurich, were having a brew at the Tardinal Inn. Jurich and Petrino were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while Slick Rick remained quiet.

After a while Turtleneck Tom turned to Slick Rick and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over JoAnn?"

Slicky Ricky said, "I'll tell you - just the other night JoAnn came to me on her hands and knees."

Tom And Bobby were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

Ricky Retardo took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

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There is this Tard kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the UK kids better than the TARD kids. So he goes home and paints a Blue and White UK on his chest and shows his dad. "Hey dad look I'm a UK fan!" His dad kicks his butt, and says alright go show your mother. "Hey mom look I’m a UK fan!" His mom beats the crap out of him then says go show your grandma. "Hey grandma look I’m a Cat fan". she whoops him and sends him to his room. About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says have you learned anything from this? The kid says yeah I've learned I have only been a UK fan for an hour and I already hate 3 TARDS.

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Q: How can you tell if Rick Pitino is lying?

A: His lips are moving.
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Q: What's long and hard on a TARD male?

A: The first grade.
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Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a TARD wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

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Q: Why are there only two pallbearers at a TARD's funeral?
A: There are only two handles on a garbage can.
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Q: Why don’t TARD women wear panties to picnics?
A: To keep the flies off the chicken.
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A TARD walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"The city dump," says the parrot.
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Q: How long does it take a lady TARD to take a dump?

A: 9 months.
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Q: How many morons does it take to clean a toilet?

A: None, it's a TARD's job.
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Q: Why do Tard grads keep their fly's open?

A: In case they have to count to eleven.
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Two Bears were snacking on a TARD who had wandered into their woods by mistake. One bear turns to the other and says "Is it just me...or does this taste like crap?"

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A couple, who's relationship was on the rocks, went to a marriage counselor who could not get them to discuss anything. The communication block was so heavy that nothing he suggested could make them open up and talk.

Finally after several sessions of non-communication, the counselor stands up, walks to the corner of the room where there is a TV and VCR. He puts in a tape of a Uof Smell B-ball game. Gradually their barriers break down and they begin to discuss their problems and little things that always bothered them that they never felt encouraged to bring up before.

At the end of the session, they were smiling and laughing just like old times. They paid their bill and before leaving, the couple asked the counselor, "What did you do? How did that tape help make everything work out?"

He answered simply, "Everybody talks during a Loserville game."

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Come support the TARDS at Louieville's newest TARD Sports Bar... Bunghole Liquors!
Fun for the "hole" family. Strut over to our Ice Cream counter and order up a Bunghole Mud Slide. Head over to our grill and get our version of that porcelain palace delight...the Bunghole Slider. Watch the Tards on our 2 big screen TV's. If you are one of the first 5 patrons this Saturday you will receive a free "I'm a Bunghole TARD" T-shirt.

The BUNGHOLE...where TARDS hang out!
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Q: Did you know that The University of Loserville just bought 10,000 used Septic Tanks?
A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade U of K.
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Louisville fans are like dandelions... I have a nice yard of grass and a dandelion pops up... I wanna rip it up and make sure it never comes

 back!!!
 
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A UK fan, and 2 TARDS were stranded on an island far away from home. They found a lamp in the island which happens to be a magic lamp with a genie inside. The genie gives them 1 wish each. The UK fan wished to be home with his family, the genie granted him that wish. The 1st Tard wishes to be home with his family also, and the genie granted him his wish. The 2nd TARD was the only person left on an island with 1 wish still remaining. He felt so lonely on the island so he wished for the other TARD to return and they were stranded on the island forever.